Guide to Life on Mars, Part One

Mastering the mixed marital art of Pew Jitsu

There are lots of questions I get when people find out that I have nine children. “Are you from Mars?” is the first one. Eventually, the questions tend toward the practical. “Hold on. That means every meal at your house is hosting a social event. You are throwing a children’s birthday party . . . three times a day?” Yes, meal planning and execution here on Mars is a magical mystery process that my wife and older children have mastered over the years. I participate sometimes–out on the grill or early a.m. breakfast prep–but that is a subject for a different entry in this Guide. One question that rarely comes up is “How did you manage with all those kids . . . in church?” With very young children, this can seem like a daunting task. The best way to manage is not “A way” at all but a constantly changing series of actions (and inactions). Kids don’t just differ from one another, but they change as they grow up. As a result, there is no one technique that works every time. Instead it is a series of practices implemented as a married couple, learned over the years and implemented at the right time, for the right reason, with the right child, and typically with no planning or preparation at all. Taken together they form the core of the mixed marital art known only to a select group and that I have dubbed–Pew Jitsu.

The name is a terrible one. First of all, it is a pun, a groaner, a Dad-joke of the first order. Look back, there is also another pun in there, mixed “marital” not “martial” art. That’s not a typo. More like a Dad-O. Oof. This isn’t getting better. These are the kinds of lines I work hard to avoid in order to uphold the principle here at Dad News Network that dads are cool. But here we are (sorry, Geoffrey). Also, it is a terrible name because it suggests that the key to success will be physical mastery of submission holds or worse, and nothing could be further from the truth. Pew Jitsu is largely non-contact (but for very small children who—when truly inconsolable [say after falling off the pew and whacking an ear on the kneeler]—may need to be picked up and moved to another location). So, except for it being a bad pun and a bad name, I think Pew Jitsu is great and I look forward to marketing it aggressively for fun and profit.

Here are some of the introductory techniques. Use at your own risk.

Tell the child what is expected

This surprisingly simple technique is sometimes overlooked. A “quiet” sign or simple instruction can be very effective. It turns out most kids–even very young kids–can listen to what you say and change their behavior as a result. It’s pretty great. Sometimes giving a reason helps, “you have to be quiet now, we want people around us to be able to pray,” or “we want to hear Father’s sermon” will register and can produce results. Some children on some days, however, may have an equal-and-opposite reaction, pushing the volume up instead of down. But it is worth a try.

Tell the child what is expected–ahead of time

What Yogi Berra said of baseball is true of parenting in church—It’s 90% mental (and the other half is physical). Mental preparation is key for adults when confronting a difficult task, and so too for a child. The car ride is a perfect time to set the stage, discuss last time, and what we are going to do this time. Consequences for bad behavior can be set as needed (loss of access to treats at the coffee hour can be effective).

Defensive formations

The car ride is a great time for parents to communicate about how they will approach the coming Mass. Will this be a man-to-child set up, seating parents in between and among the children? This allows for distributed attention to multiple children and provides parents with quick-change audible options at the line–you take him/I’ll get her. Or should we opt for a wide zone, with parents on each end of the pew? This formation sets the edge and minimizes the risk of a breakout aisle-runner. The downside is it greatly limits the possibility of communication between the parents. There’s no calling plays through a headset here. Should we select a seat as close to a door as possible, for a potential quick exit with an inconsolable infant? Or find a row with only one exit to an aisle to maximize overall containment? There is no one right answer. We evaluate the players, the conditions on the field, and then we act.

Aggressive formations

The best defense is a good offense, they say. In Pew Jitsu, a good offense means sitting in the front row. Part of the struggle for very young children in church is that it is hard to see anything. The Mass is full of beauty, but if you are two and a half feet tall, it can look like a lot of people’s heads. Sitting in the front row allows the children (and us) to see the details. This can improve attention and will likely result in edifying questions (that you can try to postpone until after the Mass). Some families lock in to the aggressive formation and deal with the good days and bad days right there in the front row. We’ve treated a front row seat as a rare visit that comes with heightened expectations for behavior, seeking that balance so critical to all the marital arts.

Pew Stacking

Perhaps the most effective technique is getting as many people into one pew as possible. Doing this with your own family is best, but can take some time (a worthy enterprise!) The benefits here are multiple. The physical constraint of many people limits motion, absorbs noise, provides mature examples for younger children, and provides more potential for quiet intervention, correction, or consolation. More people, fewer problems.

There are more techniques to review in depth, the over-pew lift (employed when a child attempts or succeeds to launch one, two, or three pews ahead), the picture book placement for quiet distraction, the very advanced—and seldom used—double seat-belt reach to safely stall two small children going in opposite directions at the same time, or the high-risk strategic indifference state when the child is permitted to walk into the aisle trusting he will return before choosing to bolt for the altar.

You may be asking, “What about the submission holds?” There are No submission holds in Pew Jitsu. Please stop asking for those. There are “holds”however. Picking up (and sometimes walking around with) a child can solve a lot of problems (in church and out). Sometimes a small child just wants to be picked up and carried around for a while. This can be a great job for a slightly bigger brother or sister who may end up less distracted with an important job to do during Mass. It’s not a bad job for a dad either. In fact, it’s one of the highlights of life here on Mars.